It’s Me: I Got Issues pt 1
I’m not going to apologize for not being around, I really did not have much to say. Well I did have something to say, I just couldn’t formulate the right words. I guess thats a continuing problem I have; “Inability to say what’s wrong.” But I digress.
Saturday morning, I found myself unable to sleep. I was sitting at my desk watching the end of some war movie with Bruce Willis and at some point I lost all composure and cried. It wasn’t the movie that made me cried and I really can’t say why, yet.
So,I was straight up bawling’ for a minute or two. So I’m sitting there, a grown ass, six foot two, 245 pound black man crying like a big pussy.
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I’m a quiet/shy guy, always have been and probably always will be. It’s who I am. Being quiet, I tend to internalized my problems, issues or anything bad that happens to me. A fine woman tells me that she wouldn’t date me because I dark, it’s my fault. Some nigga with a fatty wouldn’t give me any play saying I was too big, again it’s my fault. I almost die at work and I don’t sue or seek damages, I get talked about like a idiot, still it’s all my fault. I let all this shit build up and say that it doesn’t bother me, which it really doesn’t. (After awhile you really do start to believe your own lies.) It gets to a point where I mentally and physically break down. The last time was in December 2001, I was pledging Sigma and moms was forcing me to pay bills I couldn’t afford on my paycheck. School was kicking my ass and I had a ulcer from the stress. Twenty-one years old and I had a fucking ulcer, I’d would wake up every morning at 3am like clockwork and be in absolute pain. So the point I couldn’t take any more I was on Pledge line with some neophyte spouting bullshit at me. I look him straight in the face and said “Step the fuck, outta my face!” I proceeded to get my things and left. The next day I told my moms that I wasn’t paying her bills anymore and crawled into bed for most of the Christmas break.
Don’t feel bad for me, because it doesn’t matter and I really don’t care. (A defense mechanism)
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I haven’t cried since my accident. I cried not because I thought I was going die. I’m not afraid of dying… but I’m afraid of not being remembered. Sometimes I get upset that I have sex with men. My mom can accept the fact that she won’t be getting any grandkids from me, but I can’t. Internalizing that I’ll never get married, I’ll never have children that I won’t be happy, that I would make my mom happy. Again it’s all my fault. I hear about all my cousins popping out kids from my mom, and I know she loves me regardless but I know she’s disappointed. Secretly I want a wife, a loving woman to be by my side be my strong moral support, my back bone. I want kids, kids that look like me, calling me “daddy” with their brown eyes and big cheeks that get from me.
I can’t have any of that. Why? Because I’m an ass-fucking faggot, an abomination and a nigger to boot. I’m twenty-four years old and I feel that I haven’t done anything worth while in my life and I broke down. This past Saturday, I cried for things I can’t have in this world, I cried because I hate an aspect of my own life, and I cried because it was all my fault.
2 Comments
bruthafree
March 10th, 2005
at 10:34am
damn brutha, let me first and foremost say congrats on being as honest as you are about the way you feel. that is a huge step within itself that deserves recognition. secondly, let me just say that i feel your pain. many times what we “want” does not always align with what is happening or what our reality is. at this time, i tend to ask myself why I want these things. maybe the reasons that we want them are not really good enough reasons to have them. OR sometimes, maybe what we want right now will not be the best thing right now. who knows what our future holds. what i have tried to drill in my head is to just take things day by day. we often get caught up in “what’s next”, that we lose site of what’s right now. this can cause alot of pressure on our souls and cause us to break down as well. it’s a hard thing to do, but try not to blame yourself for everything. why focus on whose fault it is anyways? what does that prove? does it solve the problem? does it make things better? No, No and NO. things happen to us to teach us things. we must always learn the lesson from every situation…and we don’t.. guess what? it happens to us again and again until we finally GET IT. so don’t look at it as “failure”…but look at it as a “lesson”. and try not to pin things up so much…this blog is a good outlet for that…..and u are doing well..keep your head up and no that you are not alone in the struggle. we all struggle with something and feel the same things. we are all human.
**i know this comment is looong as hell and all over the place and might not even address what you posted, however i went off and couldn’t stop typing…..i can be a scattered brain at times…
Luvs
March 10th, 2005
at 10:10pm
Hey man I have been there, I lost everything and everybody in my life because of who I am. A whole year of being doped up by a doctor because I was depressed didn’t help me. One day I woke up and it was like someone had taken a blindfold off my eyes. I remember that day so clearly because the sun was shining so bright and I could smell fresh air. I never went back to a shrink again and I never took them damn pills again. I solved my own problems with depression. I found things in my life that made me happy. Here I am six years later and I’m even more happier than I was back then. You too brotha will get your clear day, just keep you head up.