Age – I turn 30 this year, yet I don’t feel like that much time has past since I turned 21. But then it hit me, I came across one of my little cousins Facebook page. I distinctly remember going to one of his an his twin sister’s 6th or 7th birthday parties as a kid. He’s in his twenties now, in college and pledged Phi Beta Sigma. Feels like everyone is growing up but me. I’m still sitting around reading comics, watching Spongebob and playing video games while everyone else is living, getting careers being ADULTS.

Sex – There’s no denying that I’m definitely a male but I haven’t really felt like a man recently. This partially ties back to the age section, but seems like instead of manning up to life, I’m still just a boy. No job, no family and sometimes I’m barely holding on. I see my younger brother and how he holds his little girl and cry because I don’t have that. Again, I’m almost 30 and I don’t have the house, the car, the family or achieve any of the goals I said I wanted when I was younger. I’m failing to step up to the plate and feel less of a man because of it.

Location – I make it no secret that I live in the hood and at first it really didn’t bother me. I grew up in the inner-city, the high-rise low-income housing, subject of the lower middle class. But lately this place has been really rubbing me the wrong way from the couple getting high in the building hallway outside my apartment door, smoking God knows what in front of their very young children to the random people approaching me on the street asking if I want to buy loose cigarettes to buying weed. I won’t even get into the very long battle I had with a bed bug infestation and a non-medicated schizophrenic neighbor who kept knocking on my door at 5am. A Place that was once ideal because of its low rent and access to public transportation, is now a personal hell.

Will all that being said… I accepted the things I can’t change in life and actively working on the things I can. I accept that I am turning 30 this year and its okay for me still read comics. I’m okay as long I don’t start writing fan-fic. And I know that my I won’t be unemployed for much longer. I put my resume out several times a week. I’m highly skilled, competent and confident that something will come along. And while I can’t afford to move right away, I have taken some steps to make my environment a little better. So while my A/S/L may not be optimal right now… By the time I am 30 things will be better

Week after week, been praying and hoping that a little piece of archaic cellular technology would be delivered to what is suppose to be the most advance smart phone… But at last, like a Jewish child on Christmas, no abundance of gifts and joy, just dreidels and chocolate coins. (No offense to anyone of the Jewish faith, just a really bad analogy.)

<bitching>

AT&T promised mult-imedia message (MMS) and damn it, I want it. Of course after the buzz of having MMS dies down (like 2 hours) I’ll never use the feature again, but for a $100 cell phone bill AT&T needs to pony the hell up. Both AT&T and Apple need to stop ass-raping customers and provide the services promised or start issuing credits and refunds. Actually not only do I want be compensated at this point, I want a written apology from everyone involved with the iphone. From the lowly sales rep at my local AT&T store, the fake ass smiling people at the Apple Store (burning bridges again) all the way up to Steve Jobs and Randall Stephenson.

Oh and if iPhone tethering ends up costing more that $20 to the consumer, I’m going to do something very not nice.

</bitching>

I’ve made it no secret that in the recent past I really didn’t believe in myself. I was never the right complexion, never the right size or weight, never had the right background. I always second guessing my actions, my decisions and I was never really happy. Unfortunately for me to get over the 10 year long pity party I was throwing myself I had to hit bottom and let me tell you that sucked giant gorilla balls. It had to take me cracking my skull open to realize that I wasn’t living the best I could.  I say all of this because I don’t want other’s to go through. It’s wasn’t easy and the job to making myself better and happy isn’t done, but I know that I’m on my way there.