Reminiscing
Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
by Tony
Remember in last days of high school, in that fine time between finals and graduation where classes didn’t matter, teachers didn’t matter and yet my dumb ass still trekked across Philadelphia and went to school just so I could be marked as ‘present.’ I walked around aimlessly during first period before running into some whites girls from my anatomy class (my first period), who sat behind me. With nothing better to do, we skipped school the rest of the day, went to the movies and saw Godzilla (no man in suit), and drove around (Black card revoked in 3… 2… 1…) singing One Headlight by the Wallflowers. School was the furthest thing on my mind. I had no worries, I was a day I easily enjoyed by not doing much of anything.
That was almost ten years and I’m in dire need of a cut day. A day where I don’t have to listen to phones ringing, machines running or bill collectors hounding me down. So I’m serving notice that starting at Thursday, February 1st, 2007 at 12:00 AM to 11:59PM Tony Mercer will be completely off the radar. I’m will not be online, I will not be answering email, and all phone calls will go straight to voicemail.
I will enjoy my day by taking care of me. Maybe I’ll sit back and finally finish Prince of Persia or Devil May Cry 3, partake in some couch yoga aka Sit and Be Fit but gluing myself into some daytime television or maybe I’ll just say ‘fuck it’ and sleep in the entire day.
So have good morning, and in case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
Monday, October 31st, 2005
by Tony
SEPTA (South Eastern Public Transportation Authority) is on strike… again.
Story courtesy of Yahoo! News
“The last strike lasted 40 days (in 1998), so this union is not afraid of a long strike. They will stand up for what they believe,” Transport Workers Local 234 spokesman Bob Bedard said.
I remember the last strike which was during my senior year of high school. Imagine how I got from 52nd and Market to Olney & Ogontz Aves without being able to drive. The memories…
Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
by Tony
Read part one here.
December of 2001 was a pretty fucked up time for me. I was slowing breaking down, I was spending less time with Corey because I was too involved with pledging or I just need some “alone” time. Life at home was stressing, I was paying the utilities at home along with my own bills. My mom figured that forcing me to do so will make me go out and get a high paying job with no regard to the job market.
Continue reading »
Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
by Tony
Sorry to boldly interrupt my little Meme Marathon as if anyone really care. I wanted to take this time to answer a question posed a few post back by the great EJ: “What was the best relationship you ever had? The worst?”
Continue reading »
Friday, May 6th, 2005
by Tony
Monday, January 17th, 2005
by Tony
This should be fairly brief, since there isn’t much more to me.
I never really came out and said it. My mom asked me question after question: Are you sure that you’re gay? Have you tried being with a girl? It’s okay that you’re gay? Essentially it was something I didn’t want to talk about, talking about sex in general with my parents aways creep me out. This time was no different; I stood in the doorway of her room and for 30 minutes, I didn’t say a thing the focused my attention to the floor. I coped out of coming out. Talking about sex with my dad with no easier. Around the time I was sixteen, we drove out to the Plateau in Fairmount Park. Essentially he wanted to talk about me always being angry and unapproachable. He essentially summed things up by offer to get my a prostitute to release some “stress & tension.” I never looked at him the same way after that.
College is where you learn to be an adult or did someone lie to me. The one thing I mostly learned from college was How To Fuck Up My Future. I always did okay in school, even though I never really applied myself. Unfortunately what I did apply for was credit: Visa, Discover and etcetera. Oddly enough my parents were waiting for me to come to them to learn about money (their own words) instead of showing work to spend and manage. The only way I survive now that I work a lot of work and make then I owe.
So am I still that shy kid from Philly, I honestly can not answer that. I start writing about myself four and half years ago to find out. Looking back I can see the changes that I’ve made as I grew and mature. But ultimately I figure its best for that kinda answer to be left on my eulogy for I’m not done living my life and see all that it has to offer.
I apologize if this seemed kinda rushed, but this was more of an undertaking than I was expecting. Maybe in time I will try this again with better results. Also I would to thank the who took the time and patience to read this.
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
by Tony
Maybe it was because females gave me no play, and guys did. I was too shy to actively pursue girls, and so I didn’t date, no sex, no nothing. But I guess it didn’t really matter because at some point in high school, I thought about guys more then girls. Something else to be alienated over, something else to keep to myself. The Internet helped me find out more about what I wanted, even though I still didn’t know who I was.
We met in an AOL chat room, and his name was Cory. Told me he was from southeast D.C. and wanted to get to know me. He was the first to tell me I Love You and that naive seventeen year old believed him, really did. But being young and unable to grasp the ability of love, a long distance relationship, trying to feel attached to someone I’ve never seen or met and hiding from my mom that a grown man wanted her son. I put a end to it, I told him it was over, he cried. It was July of 1998, and a shy seventeen year old virgin, just broke someone’s heart and made them cry. I was ashamed of myself.
The following years weren’t the greatest but they weren’t the worst. My mom went through a bad divorce, and we had to move out and leave Gary. We moved into a little house not far from school, and we grew close. We did everything together; went to the movies, watched TV, went to dinner. My mom was my best friend, she could tell me anything that was bothering her and I could too, except for one major thing. There were time when she had to be my mom and disciplined me I acted too grown and she was there for me. Settled in the new place, I got a new job on campus with work study program, answering phones and making appointments for class advisers. In the downtime I surf the net, sites like Yahoo Clubs, read stories on Blackmen.com and Yahoo Chat. I was more immerse in the Internet gay culture; pornography, cyber sex and something new Internet hook-ups.
He wasn’t what I pictured my first look like, but he was my first. In was on Yahoo Clubs the predecessor to Yahoo Groups that John hit me up. We chatted for several weeks, even when I when back to Philly for Spring Break, we chatted. In May of 1999, I told him a line the beyond cliche today, I was virgin and wanted to get some ass for the first time. He agreed to come by. I didn’t care that he was white, or that it was an hour until I had to be at work. I wanted to do this, experience something just to see if I could handle the issue of being gay. I wish I could say that it was a great experience, or even that it was okay but it wasn’t. It was ten minutes into the act, I wasn’t enjoying. Maybe it was because I was pressed for time, or maybe it was because I couldn’t feel anything through the condom either way I stopped it. I faked an organism, I was on top, fucking him and I faked an organism. Ultimately I blamed him for my performance, all I had to do was get hard, have sex and nut. At eighteen, I guess I was stroking my ego more then my dick.
They say that your mother knows everything about her children, whether she wants to admit it to herself or not. After my first time I went out and met other like minded people. I had friends, I had a relationship, I was starting to come out of my shell, but I still had questions. I guess I felt guilty that every night instead of seeing my girlfriend and fucking her, I went to see my guy and fucked him. So for answers I turned to school and their GLBT mentoring program (bad idea number 1). See my mom worked at my school, it allowed my to get a college education at half price, it was a good deal but unfortunately she knew every instructor on campus. So when the mentoring program director called myself and left a voice mail message, my mom knew exactly what the deal was and waiting for me to come home to discuss it.
To Be Continued
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
by Tony
This post contains invisible-text, to see just highlight blank areas
Been thinking bout some shit lately, like what I planned to do with my life and life up to now. I guess I’ve come a long way from the shy little boy who always played by himself at the West Philadelphia Community Center. I remember being teased a lot, I remember crying a lot, I remember the all the fights I got in, being call “Anthony Gay” and hearing my moms fucking in the next room at night.
I don’t remember my parents ever being together, the year the lived in South Jersey right after I was born,. My first time I met my father was when he came to Mantua Hall Projects to pick me up for the weekend. Something that continue up until the 8th grade, staying with moms during the week and my dad on weekends. Forces a duality and when you’re only 5 or 6 and duality isn’t good because it makes you different. As I grew older I adjusted to have two sides, except when they came into conflict. As being the only child with my mom, I got more attention with her. I was her baby, her number one. My dad had other kids beside me. I had a sister, whom I was told that I met at the Sears in Upper Darby, 5 months younger then me and I only know that her name is Dawn. Her mother didn’t want my father around and only wanted a check, I think my pop is very torn over that. I have a brother as well, Jack Jr. He was lavished with attention when he was born, it made me feel unwanted and I started to distance myself. Thus I was shy, and often played by myself.
Certain things happen in your life that shape who you are today. I don’t know how true that is, but it seems to make sense. I didn’t any older brothers, and technically I was the oldest grandchild so I didn’t have anyone to look up to, emulate or follow, to keep me on the straight and narrow. I had a cousin by marriage, one of my uncle’s step-son. He was a few years older than me, by how much I forget. Honestly I don’t remember how it started, when it started or why I let it go on. I do remember it going from playing wrestling, to him touching me in my sleep to him saying Let me stick it between your legs. It went on and progressed until I was fourteen. The last time, he fucked me on my grandmother’s dinning room floor and came in my ass. It was the first time I’ve been penetrated. It hurt, it was painful I was sore for days. Needless to say I was a little fucked in the head after years of that. He took me at an age where I didn’t know any better, I hated him for doing that to me. I’m still coping from all of that, I have serious issues with affection and seriously don’t like being touched sometimes.
I left Philly to find myself. At first I didn’t think I made the right choice. I just graduated from high school and two days later I’m in Gary Indiana. Still shy I didn’t make friends the entire 6 months I stayed in there. I worked at a buffet restaurant as a dishwasher, when to school and lived with my mom and her husband, who was a complete dick. My refuge was the AOL chat rooms where a shy 17 year old kid from Philly could be something he’s not.
To Be Continued
Friday, January 7th, 2005
by Tony
New Years Eve- Do we really need an excuse to get drunk and stupid shit in the presence of others:
New Years 2003: I was stayed home, flipped back and forth between the Sex and the City marathon and MTV2 Monster Mix. My only company was a cup Red Passion Alize and Absolut. By 2am Monster Mix was jamming and I think I was juking. So drunk that I think I hit my head on a steel beam the divides my room and passed out for the night. I was home alone and borderline pathetic. Two years later and not much has change.
New Years 2004: Spent the night hanging out with my (now MIA) brother JP and my best friend Ken. We went to some party off of 87th street, host by JP’s roommate’s girl. It wa small ass apartment ont he five floor of some run down building. There was no furniture, only a stereo with one big ass wood-paneled speaker with Lil’ Jon blasting out of it. Place was filled with little kids, well not little kids like 5-9 year olds but 16-19 year olds wannabe thug niggas and the high school girls would thought they were the shit.
Since there was no place to sit. Ken, JP and I go hold up the wall, actually opposite walls. I look at Ken, and he looks back. I think I got a daquari/margarita from the hostess that had no ice, cuz someone forgot to make some. They only had one fucking ice tray in the freezer. How are you suppose to had a party, with frozen drinks with no daymn ice and one fucking ice cube tray. Shit was lame. And true to form, I got stepped to, but the stubbiest female up in there. Ever since I moved out here, it’s either the tow-down, stubbiest or stankest females that try to talk to me and give me her number. Is there something on my forehead that says “Willing to fuck with subpar muh fuckas”? Now if I were still in high school, I probably would have attempted to try to begin some my non-existance weak 17 year old game on her, see If I could get my dick wet cuz at 16-17, who wants to be selective cuz ugly pussy is still pussy. But I was 23 and WAS NOT TRYING TO CATCH A CASE. I thanked her but told her that I couldn’t accept her number and walked off. After that Ken want to bounce cuz the party was lame. We grab the liquor I left at Ken’s and headed over to JP’s. We got drunk, Jp got high, we watched VH1 soul, which I can’t get on Wide Open West. Around 1 or 2 Ken left for home. I don’t know what I thinking cuz my car was at Ken’s house near TUCC and JP lived on 87th & King Dr. Anyway, me and JP kicked it some more and then my phone rings.
It was Alexius, coming home from church. Of course my response being drunk is :
“Who the fucks go to church on New Years Eve?”
It was a New Years Eve marathon service…
“Oh… so whatchu doing now?”
Getting ready for bed
“Why so early, its only…” JP had no fucking clocks in his house. “…Yeah, um, anyway, so when you gonna let me get that ass again?”
You must be drunk… Cuz you never asked me shit like that.
“What if I am? Actually just answer my first question…”
We gonna be together again?
“Fugg no, I want the head on my dick to be sore from fucking you, not the head on my neck from the bullshit you cause, so answer my question, when are we gonna fuck again?”
This goes on for another 20 minutes and I get more belligerent as the conversation goes on. At some point I remember moving from a chair, to JP’s bed to the couch. Then walking to the Redline to get my car.
New Years 2005: Everything was quiet docile, had dinner at the Matteson Applebee’s with Ken, Ronette, her date, her two sisters and all 6 of their kids. Sound like fun right? Ken and myself sat by ourselves talking bout everything from helping his dad move the new day to how gay Ronette’s looked. And all the baby daddy drama Ronette seems to be going through. Afterwards they were going to a church service/gathering. Me, being the deviant both social and otherwise, was going to go over my boy, Drrrl’s house and get drunk and pass out. Which I did. What I didn’t count on was watching Drrrl and his piece have sex. They inviting me to watch and I think join in, I probably would have too if I wasn’t half a sip away from being alcohol poisoned. Yea, I drank hard. **Note to Ken, My dick did stay in my pants** I woke up around 6 or 7, my cell was beeping from a Text message from Alexius. Shortly there after I got my shit and bounce. I felt groggy and disoriented all day but I was wasn’t hung over. I think I was technically still drunk. Anyway that was my New Years, I probably need to proofread this, but I’m tired and I think the shopfloor is done for the night.
Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
by Tony
Been having a serious brain fart all day today couldn’t really think of anything to say. Couldn’t even think of some random shit to just throw on here, but I did want to move that photo post from he weekend, but I digress.
Since I don’t have any current shit to drone on about I guess I’ll bored y’all with a ditty bout my first girlfriend and a first kiss. Actually that’s a lie cuz it wasn’t my first kiss (remember that game Catch a girl, Freak a girl) this is a story bout an unwanted girlfriend and an unwanted kiss. A Sucka-punch Kiss…
It was that magic time, circa 1993-4, the golden age of hip hop when muh fuckas use to watch the Box, Donnie Simpson and Video Soul was still on BET and Real Sex was only or 4 or 5. Well around this time I was 13-14 years old, and I had this “girlfriend” and I use the term “girlfriend” severely loosely. Because when u think bout someone who’s suppose to be your girlfriend or boyfriend at any age you would think it would be somebody you like. This was not the case in my situation.
Now, I’m not trying to be mean but this is how I felt then and still is true today. My girlfriend’s name Shannon and she was one of those ‘Round da Corner muh fuckas cuz they just show up one day outta the blue from around the corner. She was tall, thick and kinda ogre-ish like the Hulk but had nice set of matching titties and ass (she showed me)… especially for a 14 year old. The problem with Shannon was the fact that she was slow. Not retarded even though that question came up a lot, but slow enough that she rode the short bus to school. In a group of females, Shannon was the one that the other girls had to defend when someone called her “Frankenstein” or started making Herman Munster sounds.
Don’t ask how she got to be my girlfriend. At some point I remember my boy Isaiah trying to holla at her, just to see if she would give up some pussy. He got tired of her and somehow she’s with me. How the fuck did that happen? Anyway, so me and Shannon are suppose to be boyfriend and girlfriend, whatever that means when you’re 13. I was at the age where I was lying bout getting pussy from “the girl from the other school” which means I wasn’t doing anything other then jacking off. The girl has never been pass the threshold on my front door. Which was fine by me cuz besides the one time she showed me and Isaiah her bra, Shannon wasn’t really give up anything. This one time, I was up in my room with my best friend Isaiah and my brother Jack playing something on Sega Genesis. My parents had the habit of letting anyone who said they were my friend into the house to come see me. So me, Ike and Jack are getting into something Sonic the Hedgehog or something and this head pops into the doorway, Shannon’s big Hulk head. She looks at me, I look at Isaiah, he looks at my little brother and Little Jack looks back at both of us. Everyone pause but no one paused the game, so we died.
Shannon: Hi Fez
Me: How jud get in?
Shannon: Mr. Anthony let me in…
(Both Jack and Isaiah snickering)
Shannon: Can I come up?
Me: Yea, we’re just playin’ Sonic so just keep quiet.
Shannon: Hi Jack, Hi Isaiah
(Now jack is full out laughing)
Isaiah & Jack: Hi Shannon
When this happened, both me and Isaiah were sitting on the floor of my room while my little brother was jumping on my bed. We try to get back into the game as Shannon proceeded to sit on the floor right next to me. Me and Isaiah are into the game, and SMACK. She kissed me. I turned and looked at her like “WHAT THE FUCK!?!” Shannon didn’t say anything, I didn’t saying anything. Isaiah and didn’t see a thing so I had plausible deniability. I don’t know why I was pisses, was it cause I wasn’t expecting it or wasn’t it because I was just being a little asshole, either way Shannon had to go.
Fast forward to that night, when I made Shannon cry. I didn’t want to her boyfriend. The reason why? Well not only was I get constantly getting asked “You’re Shannon’s boyfriend?” my parents started to tease me bout it so she had to be cut off. Was it a mean thing to do, sure but I was 13 and I have gotten my comeuppance.
