Cheating On WordPress

Saturday, March 15th, 2008
by Tony

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m doing wrong, and I have. Essentially my last few posts have had no substance and its entirely my doing. I sit here everyday and knowing I have a ton of shit to say, I just can not put it into words. Sitting here now, I’m holding back because I need to get shit off my chest, but I’m feeling extremely exposed. So should I be super-vague, use confusing pronouns and leave the reader with an overall feeling of “WTF is this nigga doing?” or do I lay it out on the table and done with it? Maybe for the sake of sanity…

Work is essentially what the noun says it is… it’s work. I love what I do, but it’s getting harder and harder to get up and go. There are days where I don’t want to leave my bed. But I’m not depressed or anything, but I have this overall feeling that I need to be in bed. I guess its hard to articulate this feeling.

Relationship-wise is surely and steadying spiraling in a nose-dive, the landscape is spinning around the cockpit as the inevitability of crashing and burning in a horrible death is coming closer and closer. How’s that for trying to work things out? Let’s say I call him about four times in a given week, ranging anywhere from 8am to 10pm, sometimes I’ll leave a voicemail message sometimes I’ll text him in lieu of calling altogether. On the times where I get answer or a response, I swear an angel must be getting their wings because it doesn’t happen that often. And it would seem that we don’t live within a 20 minutes radius of driving because apparently we never have the time to see each other. (Well I have the time because I’m willing to make the time.) There has been several times when I was ready to walk away, without any bitterness, accusations or drama, we could have even went back to being cool. I wasn’t even mad at him, I simply emotionally ready to move the fuck on with my life and stop waiting on him, and thats the point when I get the unsolicited call, claiming things will get better and that I’m his.

I tired of my house, I seriously want to move. I live in Hammond Indiana which is just southeast of Chicago, while I’m only a good 30 minutes from the loop, I feel so removed from everything. I grew up in a large city, I’m what they use to call the ‘Urban Youth.” Sometimes I feel that this house is my prison, destined to finish out a life sentence, or the rest of the mortgage. Also dealing with the house has seriously fucked up my relationship with my mother, whom I haven’t spoken too since Christmas. I dread that when she calls, it’ll have to do with something with the house, or the rent/mortgage or the taxes. At this point I rather talk to her about sex, or my lack there of. Not to sound like a complete puss, but I miss my moms… I need to get out of this house.