Who I Am Part 1

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
by Tony

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Been thinking bout some shit lately, like what I planned to do with my life and life up to now. I guess I’ve come a long way from the shy little boy who always played by himself at the West Philadelphia Community Center. I remember being teased a lot, I remember crying a lot, I remember the all the fights I got in, being call “Anthony Gay” and hearing my moms fucking in the next room at night.

I don’t remember my parents ever being together, the year the lived in South Jersey right after I was born,. My first time I met my father was when he came to Mantua Hall Projects to pick me up for the weekend. Something that continue up until the 8th grade, staying with moms during the week and my dad on weekends. Forces a duality and when you’re only 5 or 6 and duality isn’t good because it makes you different. As I grew older I adjusted to have two sides, except when they came into conflict. As being the only child with my mom, I got more attention with her. I was her baby, her number one. My dad had other kids beside me. I had a sister, whom I was told that I met at the Sears in Upper Darby, 5 months younger then me and I only know that her name is Dawn. Her mother didn’t want my father around and only wanted a check, I think my pop is very torn over that. I have a brother as well, Jack Jr. He was lavished with attention when he was born, it made me feel unwanted and I started to distance myself. Thus I was shy, and often played by myself.

Certain things happen in your life that shape who you are today. I don’t know how true that is, but it seems to make sense. I didn’t any older brothers, and technically I was the oldest grandchild so I didn’t have anyone to look up to, emulate or follow, to keep me on the straight and narrow. I had a cousin by marriage, one of my uncle’s step-son. He was a few years older than me, by how much I forget. Honestly I don’t remember how it started, when it started or why I let it go on. I do remember it going from playing wrestling, to him touching me in my sleep to him saying Let me stick it between your legs. It went on and progressed until I was fourteen. The last time, he fucked me on my grandmother’s dinning room floor and came in my ass. It was the first time I’ve been penetrated. It hurt, it was painful I was sore for days. Needless to say I was a little fucked in the head after years of that. He took me at an age where I didn’t know any better, I hated him for doing that to me. I’m still coping from all of that, I have serious issues with affection and seriously don’t like being touched sometimes.

I left Philly to find myself. At first I didn’t think I made the right choice. I just graduated from high school and two days later I’m in Gary Indiana. Still shy I didn’t make friends the entire 6 months I stayed in there. I worked at a buffet restaurant as a dishwasher, when to school and lived with my mom and her husband, who was a complete dick. My refuge was the AOL chat rooms where a shy 17 year old kid from Philly could be something he’s not.

To Be Continued